I spen some time away. Away from myself. and then I found peace, and hen I saw it fall apart.
the things I have dealt with this year I am listing for my own sanity. I have not been so level headed…things are just getting worst. Brains turning into something I am not pleased with. Horrors of conditions are coming back and with no sign of ease.
my grandma, who raised me so she was essentially my mother died. my five year partner cheated on me, out of spite, because im an asshole. I don’t know when it happened but some point I lost a few friends my grandpa died ( i was just getting to know him) I got a job that’s more stress then taking care of kids.
yea. I live alone now and it’s crap. It’s crap because
I always wanted to live alone, and then I found someone to live with. We created a home and I got used to what having someone close was like. Needless to say it’s been hells hard to get back to that idea of “you dont want anyone, you don’t need anyone” thinking. Shit I don’t even know if i am older now in thinking how much that’s a joke. Yes, a big joke I like to tell myself in hopes one day I might laugh.
Rough nights like this I rememberwhy I started this stupid blog. Writing really seems to be the only thing that keeps me together. Sad thing is I only want to write when im so depressed. Maybe it’s my brain tryng to help. Who knows.
the last thing I guess weighing in, is im going to be 26, and even though im still so young, I feel like I have done nothing with the life I was given. I see people my age married, kids, degree’s, a cat even….and then there is me. I just work a shit ton, and live my life the best I can. School is set for this year but as far as family. Well to be honest I didn’t believe I would live to 20, so a family was something I never given much thought. Not to mention I grew up with this idea in my head that no one would want me that way.
surprise surprise. Im right back to that.
how does one press on when they just watch everything else getting better, and then YOU ARE that ONE GUY. the one guy everyone else says “oh yeah….he is a real mess”. I never thought I would get to that part so young, but here I am.
Dear me, please stop trying to sabotage your life, you have a lot going for you. Also stop letting people walk all over you, no stop letting people dictate how you feel.Seek the acceptance from yourself first.
Photo with 1 note
Me. now gosh been so long. Well the good news I have been working my ass off, literally working my ass off. I GAINED WEIGHT THOUGH! that’s good i am at like 103 now which is a new high score for my life. Also god I am growing my hair because my manager and me have a bet going. We will see who grows their hair the longest and whoever cannot handle it will have to shave their head. Hah funny thing is I am lazy and do not trust anyone with scissors so yanno i might actually win. OR corporate might make us cut it. IDK but I am so excited to see what happens next. Anyways it sucks I don’t have the time to update as I planned but you know time goes on and we all have shit to do. ALSO big news my job my main manager randomly started calling me “Him/He” so it’s pretty fucking awesome he is accepting of this. EEEk . it’s late catch you all later and by the way HANG IN THERE, cause seriously it is a long long bumpy cracked up fucking road but if you don’t drive it you will be stuck in that shitty pot hole. If that makes sense and If it doesn’t then well ehhhhhh
I remember being younger (middle school) seeing my relatives drinking everyday and saying “why do adults do that!?” Now like ten years later 20 bucks of my pay goes to beer. Let me throw out I do not drink everyday, and I wait till I come home. Now though I get it, my job gets me so uppidy and ugh I come home and want my brain to numb or stop. I used to pretty much drink at a party now that night time booze fest is my personal chill time. Considering im to loner to be a social drinker, I just get slushed and write, or draw, or omg play video games. I just think it’s funny when your young you really don’t get it till your old enough to be cussing out your banks customer service rep, or running left and right thinking rents due. I’m sure in ten more years i’ll understand my grandfathers attitude on life.
Maybe I’m strange but I’m happy to know I’m going through the right bullshit you go through traveling on the adult road. I’m also damn glad to know age means shit when it comes to being “an adult” my mothers 40 and can barely make a responsible decision to pay rent on time. I may only be 23 but I’m blessed I can do what I need to do, and love myself for doing it. For me I spose the beer is my GOOD JOB you paid your bills hi5.
After 12+ hours of driving many luaghs. Finally have my other half back. Ugh half year without her was bullshit. I can rest easier knowing I don’t have to call or txt heranymore! Yeah so holy balls though I had to make a mental not to foever shy away from georgia and alabama forever. The anti gay billboards that lined the highway made me sick and sad that it’s totally fine. Plus the trillion jesus and bible quotes. I got nooo problem with religion but its shitty to see jesus saves, homosexuality is abomination, then a advert for stripper joint. I know the people get paid to put the shit on but how can we as a country get better and tolerante when thats just ohhh another paycheck. Makes me wanna place a “have you hugged a gay today? Jesus LOVES homos <3” just saying but anyways im super happy and motivated more then ever.
I had a crazy dream lastnight. It envolved me loosing an old friend but gaining a new one. It was one of those the people had no faces types. Yeah so because of that I woke up extra early (it’s not normal) and had the roomate cut off my hair, well what was left. I could have kept it in a hawk but welp.it’s that time again to start over. Plus everyone has a hawk now so it’s becoming “average” to me. Not dissing on anyone it’s how I felt when converse turned into the trend after wearing them for years and years cause they were cheap hahah. Yeap also I thank god I work with kids adukts quesrion you too much. The 2year old had nothing gto say but ” new haircut! Yay awight” so you know his tiny iopinion made me have a happy. I’m pretty tired I shoild have taken a nap. As I get older I see I’ve neglected those things naptime
The world seems to slow time when your eagerly waiting for something big! Pic related I’m saying fuck you cosmos, but also fuck you for the two day wait. So as I sit here waiting for my love to come back to me, and my sweet salty fries I just thinkgod it feels good to finally have a sense of peace. NOW IF ONLY I CAN FIND TRANS GUYS IN FL NEAR ME I’LL SIT DOWN AND BE CONTENT. That is of course till the next storm of rant strikes me. Oooooooooo kay my hyper is on full insomnia will be vistiting me later.
I was so bored and mind numbingly frusterated that I took this moody picture of myself sporting my newly self made haircut
Forgot my password. You know this is why I’m never consistant with blogs haha. I cut my hair on a whim, was bored. In other news.
My loving wolf is going to be here in the next couple days I feel like romeo. Though I will not admit to her how everynight I count the seconds she is here.
Job searching, yay? No by far the suckiest part of my existance. Not because I dislike working! Because the “mold” has gotten redic. conformity will be eventually the death of me! not actually but damnit it just baffles me.
hmm that could be a poem? I find my sober brain coming up with those more, lyrics, random philisophical shit in my head. I just keep forgeting to write it down.
Anways yet again it’s 5am, I have not enough intention to sleep. Me and sir insomnia will find meaningless tasks to do.
It is totally odd going from a shitty living situation to a perfect one. It makes one completely centered!
I also notice I’ve given this ………many fucks over gender. My roomies intro me to strangers like “hi this is kyel shes our roomate” and I couldn’t be happier because we all share a laugh watching the others wheels grinding like “THATS A GUYS NAME DID YOU SAY SHE!!” maybe im getting older and having my kicks but fucking with people that way makes me giggle. I remember being bitter when people said she or ma am. But idk recently I’ve been getting my kicks from the confused looks.
Like I’ve mentioned I’ve always been a bit of a freak so the thought of having a flat chest and a vagina tickles me completely. Or maybe I just like melting peoples mind.
I’m not sober, so this was random as I wait for THIS BULLSHIT PS3 to make me remember why im a dedicated sony fan!
It is a bullshit 89-90 outside and it is days like this I curse my chest. I want to rip my shirt, the tank, and sports bra off. Can’t wait for a day I can just not wear a shirt at all. I thought about finding a nude beach but I tend to forget how socially awkward I am.
Also I am pretty much a big creep. Got shitfaced with strangers (new friends) blacked out and wandered back hom with a pic of newly met friends. I should just get that trench coat now and stop combing my hair.
On a good side I gave the picture back and she didnt take it bad. Pretty much laughed that I did that. I also informed my roomates and my lover, who actually said me being a total creepster turned her on. Haaaa least one person still wants me even in my darkest moments. Now if I can find a adorable gay guy I would be set.
Craigs list? Much? Jk I wanna keep my kidneys.
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